Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Secret Alternate Opening

Hi, my name is Stephen. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and I'll tell you all about the story...of the Fresh Prince Alternate Opening.
I was rummaging through some of my older brother's belongings, DVDs, Magazines, old video games, porn, etc. He had left a lot of things after he moved away. As I was helping my Mom clean it up, I discovered a secret disc he had, stashed away under his bed, buried in various garbage. I decided to hide it in my jacket and find out what was on it later that day.
Later that day, when Mom left the house, I put the DVD into my computer, The majority of what I found was just typical stuff you would find on a 25 year old dude's discs. Music, games, Movies (all of which were more than likely downloaded illegally), various types of Porn, etc etc.
But something in particular caught my eye, a file that read "FPBASAO.mp4", I figured that last bit might have meant "Sword Art Online", he was into a lot of anime, but no, I wasn't sure what this was.
Anyway, I decided to watch whatever the video was out of curiosity, the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" Theme began to play, but something was off, the file had been severely edited, whoever edited this spliced certain words together to make new lyrics.
Here's what I transcribed from the video...

"Now this is the story, all about how, my life got fucked up so bad, and I'd like to take a shit right in my chair...tell ya'll how I became the prinCESS of a town called BALLS."

"In West - Uncle Phil - edelphia, one day, I started shootin' some people in my neighborhood! I was killin' a couple of guys outside of the school, then my mom got sca-RY, she said 'Ya movin' with your Auncle and Untie in Bel-Air!"

"She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket, I said I might as well stick it - up my ass - Yo, this is bad-ASS, drinkin' paint out of a champagne glass? Is this what the people of - Hmm... - Livin' like? Hmm... This might be bad!"

"I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the cab ran over a cat - If anything I could say that this cat would not be alright! I put my walkman on, and said 'I might as well kick it...into the sewer, but I thought 'nah, forget it.''

"I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes, smell yo ASS', looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to shit on my chair!"